Crossed Wires
by FadingMoonlight
Summary: Akatsuki got together for a tactics meeting, a meeting Kakuzu interrupted with drinks. Deidara took the opportunity to get drunk out of his mind. He doesn't know what he's saying...


**NOTES- **This is my first ever attempt at Itachi X Deidara, and it was hard to write! This was for a contest I entered on Mibba. The pairing was randomly picked, I had no choice :P

I'd really like comments and criticism. I really want to know how I managed.

* * *

Deidara stood up suddenly, easily knocking over Hidan, and giggled happily. He held his arms out and swung in a lazy circle. "Art is a blast!" he sang.

Pein gave the drunk bland a sharp look. Even as he refused a glass offered by Zetzu he barked orders. "Don't you dare, Deidara."

Deidara nearly lost his balance when his feet couldn't keep up with his torso as he whirled to face his leader. One of the mouths on his hands stuck it's tongue out rudely. "Wouldn't fucken' dream of it, boss."

Pein almost let loose a few choice words directed at the ex-Rock nin. He glared around the room instead. A table had been over turned, whatever had been on it lost in the disaster zone they called a floor. The careful notes about their meeting was scattered all over the room. No doubt someone had decided to use them as confetti and introduced paper to air in some bizarre compulsion. A couple other pieces of furniture lay in various states of disorder, some far across the room from where they'd been a couple hours earlier.

"Art is such a bang. When you see something that totally awesome, you get such a thrill." Deidara explained like he was debating with Sasori over art forms for the millionth time. "It's like a sudden _woah!_ It's totally friggen' awesome!"

"If it's all a feeling," Sasori decided to argue back. He hoped to take advantage of his teammate's drunkenness to get some kind of submission. If that happened he could easily use that against the blond later. Maybe to get the blond to shut up once in awhile. " Why blow it up? Then no one else gets to experience it. With eternity everyone can partake in the…experience. And enjoy it over and over again."

"Because," Deidara screeched back, "having the art blow up just completes the effect. It like, doubles the brilliance. I mean, knowing you're the only person to see such awesomeness! It's genius, I tell you!"

Pein pushed away another of Zetzu's attempts to get him to drink. He was slightly disappointed with Akatsuki's acting. He always assumed they were strictly professional in all situations. Now he was stuck with half of them in various states of drunkenness. Deidara shouting at Sasori was the least of things.

Kakuzu had brought the drinks; everywhere from shit beer to Alsace sparkling wine. First drink of your choice had been free, he said. Then, being as money minded as he is, Kakuzu had charged for each and every drink after. He never passed up the chance to cheat peoples like Deidara out of their pocket money.

His partner Hidan had happily taken him up on his offer of booze. He'd produced money from who knows where and had already worked his way through Kakuzu's entire supply of vodka. The immortal was cackling his head off, though technically his head wasn't even connected. Hidan was a violent drunk, and had had a ball bringing out his bestiality with Kisame. He'd gone so far as swearing several times in ecstasy when Kisame had tugged his head right off his neck. Kakuzu had refused to fix his partner until he was sober and not raving loud prayers to his sadist god. He was even soaking the all the furniture and floor with blood.

Kisame's shark blood came out with alcohol. At first he had rampaged—tearing up the furniture and Hidan—but as the tequila he chugged reached a high he calmed down and contented himself with loud raucous jokes only he laughed at while he chewed on the bones of some poor lost couch. Itachi lounged on one of the few spared chairs with an empty glass in his hand. He'd accepted Kakuzu's first offer of a drink, but hadn't bothered after that. Unbeknownst to the Uchiha Kisame had slipped Kakuzu a few dollars to spice up Itachi's wine, so as he lounged his head buzzed lightly.

Sasori did the same, sitting regally against a wall amid Kisame's rubble. He sipped some low grade red wine like a vampire sipping blood, gently swirling it in between tastes. The alcohol didn't affect him, couldn't hen he had no bloodstream to affect. He'd won the argument with Deidara and had left the blond to point his fingers at peoples and yell _bang_! As if that would blow everyone up. The puppet watched slowly while Pein gave Konan an order and turn to refuse yet another drink form Zetzu. Zetzu had taken it upon himself to get as many Akatsuki members as drunk as he could. He wanted to see how they would react when intoxicated.

Deidara got bored after the third time he shouted at everyone and nobody feel down, or better yet exploded. He fished for a few more coins for another beer and turned his drunken gaze to everyone. His eyes narrowed at the group of narrowed at the group of boring peoples. None of them were fun drunks. Hell, half of them weren't drunks at all!

"Art is a bang!" He declared again. Sasori took a small sip of his wine and politely asked that he not start that again. Deidara ignored him. "You know what else is a bang?" He spun to give each of his teammates what he thought was an imploring look. It really looked like the moron drunk was trying to read their minds or something.

"The sound you'll make when I rip all the beautiful locks right out of your head?" Kisame gave a loud laugh at his attempt at a joke. He used a long sliver of wood to fish a splinter from between his teeth.

"Nope." Deidara's foggy mind didn't even register the threat. "The only thing that's a bang, other than my art, is…Itachi!"

Itachi carefully kept his face emotionless when he looked up from his glass to the finger pointed his way. Deidara had a completely serious look on his face.

Both Kisame and Hidan burst out into alcohol amplified laughter.

"Itachi's about as much of a bang as a white wall!"

"You've got something wrong in the head if you're interested in the guy!"

"Shut up! Just look at the bastard! He's gorgeous enough to be part of Sasori's so sacred art!" Deidara took no notice of the blaring laughter and imploring looks. A smile curled his lips, "Now if only I could blow off that beautiful head!"

"Now _that _would be art!" Hidan poured some clear liquid into his disembodied head. "Art fit for Jashin! Huzzah!"

Itachi closed his eyes in preparation for some long, violent speech about Hidan's religion. That speech came along with the destructive crashing of the immortals body trying to find some weapon with which to cause mass destruction. Suddenly Itachi sensed movement within his personal bubble, movement that was too languid to be Kisame or Hidan.

Deidara dropped heavily into his lap. The blond even wrapped his arms around Itachi;s neck to keep away from the hard ground.

"What the hell, Deidara?" Itachi hissed, though the Uchiha made no move to dump the ex-Rock ninja on his lap.

"I told you, you're fucking beautiful." Deidara traced a finger in a clumsy line along Itachi's jaw. "Makes me wanna blow you to fucken' smithereens one fucken piece at a time."

"Deidara wants to fuck Itachi!" Hidan cackled. Hs body tried to make some crude gestures in the 'Happy couples' direction. Without eyes, it ended up making them more towards where Pein was watching the proceedings unhappily.

"Hell no!" Deidara protested, "I hate the bastard!"

"If you hate me," Itachi said coolly, "What the hell do you think you're doing on my lap?"

Deidara slung to Itachi as if the man had tried to push him off. "I hate you, I hate hate you. I hate hate hate hate hate you. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I loath you, despise you, you stupid Uchiha!"

"Then what do you want?" The damned Uchiha rolled his eyes at his drunken comrade. Somewhere behind the alcoholic buzz he knew his calm was misplaced. When he took a moment to try and figure out why that would be, Itachi's hands went to Deidara in an unconscious desire to throw the drunkard to the ground. He never finished the movement, his mind having wandered back to Deidara's deep glare. Instead of pushing the blond away his hands only served to steady him.

Deidara moved in close. Itachi could easily smell the cheap beer on his breath. "I want you…to see you, your face…screwed up in fucking ecstasy."

Kisame and Hidan, who had both kept relatively quiet while listening in, burst out in another rambunctious fit of giggles. Hidan let loose a string of happy curses that made him laugh even harder. There was a loud snap as Kisame bit deeply into the wooden leg of a chair to stifle his own giggling when Itachi sent him a warning look. He'd long since learned to heed those looks.

"So you are hot for him!"

"You're damn right!" Deidara agreed with crossed arms and a violent nod. "He's such a god damned bastard! Always so cool and calm, gets me burning so bad."

"Itachi! Deidara wants to fuck your brains out!" Hidan screamed like he was four years old and tattling on his brother.

"I want to blow your brains out." Deidara corrected. He leaned in close again. He smiled seductively and whispered to Itachi as if he was a lover with a secret. His finger trailed along some invisible line on the Uchiha's face as he spoke. "I want to make the tiniest art I ever have and put them in those awful eyes of yours. There'll be a _pop! _And bye bye sharingan!"

Itachi just rolled said eyes as Deidara giggled at the image. It matched the buzzing in his head almost nicely. Itachi knew he should at least pretend the loud nineteen year old was bothering him. He opened his mouth to complain, or at least tell the other man to shut up.

Deidara swallowed his words before they even left his throat. Both Hidan and Kisame failed at suppressing yowls of excitement at the image of their teammates together. At this, Itachi recognized the invasion of personal space. He stood up immediately, not caring about the boy he dumped mercilessly on the floor.

"What was that Deidara?" Itachi demanded. For a moment he lost the dazed drunk look he'd had all night.

"I needed you to shut the fuck up! I wasn't freaking done yet!"

"Deidara kissed Itachi!" Hidan crowed at anyone who looked they might listen. "Deidara _kissed _Itachi!"

Both men mentioned turned on the disfigured drunks head. "Stop talking Hidan." Itachi growled; polite next to Deidara's shout of _Shut the fuck up, you talking bowling ball!_ The blond continued on a long, loud rant about how much of an ass the head was. He even threw a few of Kisame's leftover wood shards in his direction, though the beer goggles threw off his aim.

"Anyway, as I was saying." Just as abruptly as he had sat on Itachi's lap, Deidara calmed down and fetched another beer from Kakuzu as if nothing had happened.

"I wonder if you would scream in pain. I'd just watch the eye jelly that's left dribble down these doll cheeks. I can just imagine how you'd try to hide the pain." Deidara pushed back into Itachi's bubble again. He took a deep gulp from the bottle in his hand and examined Itachi's face as if he really could see the pain he was hiding. "That would be so sexy. You're nose would wrinkle like you never let it now. Maybe you'd even bite your lip. Your eyes would—they'd be bleeding! Never mind!"

Itachi had to take a minute step back to keep away from Deidara's approaching lips.

"I wonder if you'd curl up in pain." Deidara giggled. "Like a little baby or a guy fucked so hard his ass is killing him."

Deidara's vulgarity hit the last chord of Pein's patience. He'd let this stupid drunken fiesta go on for long enough. He knew the scene between Itachi and Deidara had gotten far to intimate. Neither of them will be able to face each other; Deidara will probably follow up on his whispers of blowing up the Uchiha the next time he meets him. It would get them all back on the trail of the tailed-beasts faster, he supposed.

"I think I should fuck you like that." Deidara ran a few fingers through Itachi's long hair, "I'd like-"

"Enough." Pein didn't raise his voice for the command, he didn't have too. The single fact he'd spoken since Kakuzu had interrupted their meeting with drinks was enough. Everyone in the room turned their attention to him; some faster than others.

"Deidara, get away from Itachi. Kill him if you have to Itachi. Kakuzu, I'm cutting everyone off. Pack up. Everyone else, away. Tomorrow you're all back to work."

"Get off me." Itachi struggled against the arms Deidara flung around him.

Deidara gave the older ninja a peck on the pale cheek. "Make me."

Kisame cackled loudly and bodily dragged the blond off his partner. "You don't want to know how he would if her were sober. Believe me." He pulled the struggling ninja after Sasori and out of the door.

"You're such a fucking bastard Itachi! I love you!" he cried as Kisame jerked him around a corner and out of sight.

Zetzu chuckled happily, "So Itachi's an indifferent drunk, and Deidara's one who confuses love and hate."

His dark side chuckled too, though a little more calmly and with an underlying tone of evil. "Now how can we use this against them?"


End file.
